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Fantastic!

The difference between a Good day and a Bad day has less to do with the circumstances
than the power we have over our thoughts
.”
– Neil Sutton

    I really believe that quote has some power behind it. You know how you always hear about the power of positivity in healing… I think it applies to everyday life. I’ve really been tested in this category the last few weeks. Another favorite quote:

I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day.
And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes
you have an opportunity to change that
.”
-Gillian Anderson

    SO those thoughts aside… Yesterday was FANTASTIC! Probably one of the more memorable birthdays I’ve had. I started my day out with:

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   Coffee and my best friend. The night before both of us were boobing in our drinks about how we missed each other and how much we looked forward to her coming this way in a few weeks. Me being silly…I made a “Wilson” version of her. Unfortunately, no one in this house plays volleyball so a long lost baseball in the back yard had to suffice. After morning coffee my son made me waffles! Except once we got our plates…we realized the three of us had about a tablespoon of maple syrup to share. We all sat at the table talking about the day. I actually struggled for a moment. I was having a change of heart.

    Bub has found a new niche. He really likes making Mincraft videos. Since my camera has HD abilities…that the top choice to use. The night before, he asked if he could use my camera in the morning to make a new video. He went into depth about his topic and because he’s so passionate about it, of course I said yes. But, sitting at the table I was struggling to follow through. I knew Bee and I would encounter something while riding bikes and I knew I’d want to take a picture. As hard as it was, I let him use it.

    Yes, we found many things we would have taken pictures of. Bee and I went to the Fountain Creek area to ride bikes. I learned the day before that there is a trail that runs from Fountain Valley all the way to Monument. It’s about 30 miles. Wouldn’t that be a fun trip sometime…but not yesterday. It actually goes right through down town and the Air Force base. Perhaps next year? Any ways, we rode about four miles of it. We stopped in many places for water breaks. Ok, so mom could have a rest. It isn’t so much about being out of shape as it is fatigue in my leg. I can honestly say I am so proud of Bee. She has an amazing ability to spot all sorts of things. She spotted blue herons, turtles on rocks (that were across one of the ponds), fish eating off the top of the water, and cacti with blooms.

    On our way back to the blazer, I told her that when I was a kid, I used to pretend like my bike was a horse and I rode it everywhere. She said that was what she liked to do, also. So we rode our horses as fast as we could back. We stopped along the creek to give them a break. We both wanted to get our feet wet but we knew we had more things planned and didn’t want to get wet. We found a special rock to keep. Everywhere we go, we always find a special rock to take home. We put a date on it and add it to the collection of places we’ve been. We loaded Midnight and Duke into the blazer and went home.

    When we got home Andrew was done with his videos. I worked to transfer them from my camera to the desktop. It would take about 15 minutes to transfer them. There were two videos about 20 minutes long. My computer isn’t exactly new, so it took a few minutes. I decided to sit down for a bit. Let my battery recharge for my camera and decide what was next. I decided I wanted to go over to Memorial Park. I think that is what it’s called. It was the same park they do the balloon launch from. First, I wanted to head over and get some sushi rolls from the Asian store. I can’t recall what exactly happen, but as we were driving over to Academy, it started sprinkling. Looking at the mountain I knew we wouldn’t have much time if we went to the zoo. So I changed gears and we decided to go to the zoo.

    When we got to the zoo, the one thing we enjoy the most is riding the sky ride, was shut down because of the weather. Most of the time we wonder through the zoo visiting our favorites and at the end we ride the sky lift to the top and have a bucket of cotton candy. We were all bummed out but decided that we would go see our favorites. We always start out feeding the giraffes. Baby Waldo sure is growing up! We could reach down and feed him giraffe crackers and scratch the top of his head. He seemed to like that a lot. I always go into the barn and feed the ones on the inside. Most people don’t go in there because of the smell. It was really crowded today so we skipped through quite a bit. We did venture through the African Safari. Bub hasn’t been to the zoo since they opened the new exhibit for the elephants. We have to wait for the 4th of July for the lions to get into their new exhibit. Bub also hadn’t seen the new reptile house. He really enjoyed it.

    Lets see… After the zoo, the weather really moved in so we decided that since the monsters in our bellies were eating our back bones we’d go grab a bite to eat. I wanted my sushi rolls so we hopped along traffic to get over there. Went inside…all to find that they were sold out. After careful consideration we decided to go to Mc Ds. Not a favorite, but it was food. Bub ate a quarter pounder in five bites while Bee and I shared a few chicken nuggets. We wanted a frozen strawberry lemonade, but the machine wasn’t working. After a snack we headed home. By the time we got home I could honestly say that I was wiped out! I decided that I’d take a nap and figure out the rest of the day when I woke up.

SO why those quotes? I picked those quotes because so many things could have turned Monday into a “bad” day. I hint those by turning the text green.

The difference between a Good day and a Bad day has less to do with the circumstances
than the power we have over our thoughts
.”
– Neil Sutton

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Nervous Energy

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon

I am a good victim of anxiety. I suppose it is that, “I can’t control the outcome” part of me. If it was my way, everything would end with rainbows and unicorns with glitter. Today I see my oncologist. I had my scans last Thursday and Monday. I know deep down that there is nothing there. Yet, there is a little dark spot that whispers…there might be. It’s going to be a sigh of relief to hear him say everything is ok. Then the true road of remission can start. I know that it will ease Dan’s mind. I think this nervous energy is why I’ve stayed busy all week. If you stay busy you don’t have time to stop and let your mind wander.

Yesterday, surprisingly, my mind got an unexpected break. I have decided that every Thursday is my day. I was going to go visit the zoo, but the Garden of the God’s called my name.

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I like how I can see the park from my house. Yesterday, it really stood out from the mountains. I was actually anxious going by myself. Not so much being alone, rather asking myself, What if I fall? What if I step in a hole and break my foot? At first I just decided to stay in the main park area. Walking down into the park I felt a sense of calmness. I knew I had to keep my eyes and ears open. Most of the birds have returned from their winter vacation. I know there are three kinds of birds unique to the park and I wanted to take pictures of all three. There’s a bend to the trail that stopped me in my tracks.

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There are just times when you see something that is just neat. I don’t know why the opening in the park, with the view of the snowy mountains calmed my anxious mind. From there I didn’t think about anything. I just let my ears hear and my eyes wonder.

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I decided to get brave and try one of the loop trails. It was a bit painful as most of it was stairs going up and down. It was really neat! It took you up above the main park. The sun was still waking, so I thought the shadows and highlights were awesome. After the loop, I finally found where all the chatter was coming from.

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I even got to watch a couple bunny rabbits frolic in the snow.

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Leaving the main park, I wasn’t ready to go home. SO I took a right turn towards a trail head. I think it was called Cabin Canon trail. I started park way down it, and got to a point where it looked like we would be going up…a lot… so I turned back and went down the Siamese Trail. Glad I did. It wasn’t too bad. I did spot a Mountain blue bird. I love these birds! They are so beautiful. I tried to get a picture, but the sun was behind the bird. This trail lead to the rock formation called the “Siamese Twins.” From what I could read it is among the most famous places for pictures. Mainly because of the “hole” at the bottom. You can see Pikes Peak. Except, today, Pikes Peak was sleeping in and hiding under the covers of clouds.

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AS I walked back down towards the blazer I decided that I was going to go home and print up a map of the trails. I think my goal will be to get down all of them. Each trail leads to a rock formation. I know the Kissing Camels and Balanced Rock. So it’s time to work on the other 16 formations.

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October 5th

Isn’t she beautiful?

October 5th would have been her 54th birthday.

I honestly feel like a jerk.  I din’t realize it was my mom’s birthday until we were headed to Denver.  I opened Facebook on my phone and saw a picture of my mom.

I wasn’t sure how to feel.

Can I be honest?

I’m at peace with my mom.  I struggled for four years to find that peace.  Through counseling, I dealt with a lot of emotions about my mom.

But more than that…. you’re going to think I’m crazy…. especially if you really know who I am.

Two things have happen that I can not explain.  My gut instinct is they were hallucinations…from pain medications.

But they have brought me the greatest strength and encouragement.

The first event happen the first time I ended up in the ER .  I was sicker than a dog.  My throat and belly was lined with  sores from the chemo.  They were leaking acid into my belly.  Which caused my belly to create a bunch of bile…. hence what ever came down was going back up.  The pain from dry heaving was insane.  So I got some extra pain medications.  The last they gave me was dilaudid.  I was finally not throwing up or in pain.  I fell asleep for a few moments…  I remember telling myself I could not make it through this.  There was no way I could do this.

I closed my eyes and I was somewhere else.  No where but some where.  I heard a familiar voice call my name…. but it was not just my normal Kim.  It was Kimmy.  No one calls me that…except one person.  When I looked up I saw her.  I know she was my mom.  She sounded like my mom, except she did look like the mom I remembered.

The last time I saw my mom she was barely 50 pounds.  Skin and Bones.  The last thing I remember her saying were cries for her mommy.

She was beautiful.  Beyond words or expression.  She had long red brownish colored hair.  Her face was full and her brown eyes were captivating.

I remember crying and telling her mommy I can’t do this.

She just smiled and said You are my girl and because of this you have all the strength and courage.

I heard myself say out loud I can do this and I opened my eyes.  I was sitting up.  Next thing I knew I was throwing up because I was really dizzy.

The second event…..

Happen when I was knocked out for my major surgery.  I was in this beautiful place taking pictures of humming birds.  The light was perfect!  There were so many of them.  I heard that familiar Kimmy.  When I turned around she was sitting on a huge fallen log….smiling.  I went and sat next to her.  I asked her if she was there to take me home.  She shook her head no.  We sat there for a long time.  I laid my head in her lap and I remember just feeling at peace.  Then she said my name again.  When I sat up she took my hand.  In her had was a humming bird.  She placed it in my hand.  I can still feel myself smiling.  When I went to look at her she was gone.  The humming bird took off and flew up towards the sun.

I woke up.

I’m sure they are delusions…. hallucinations my brain has conjured.  I have thought maybe it was God.  Maybe God sent me an angel? Either way…they have brought me an even greater peace.  I’m not going to die of this cancer.  This cancer is not going to spread.  I don’t know why I have cancer nor do I understand why she had to die of cancer.  I just know that I am her girl and because of the incredible woman she was, I am today just as incredible.  She taught me the real meaning of strength and courage.

I miss her, but I know some day I will get to see her again. I don’t have to be sad or miss her, just have to be patient.