Problems….

I’m sitting here admiring my new starbucks coffee mug.  Gramma Davis has been so sweet to me!  She sends me cards and little books.  Sometimes she sends a starbucks gift card.  I decided i was going to buy me a new mug.

 

Friday something was said to me that I just hadn’t realized.  I was telling my physical therapist that I pulled the cancer card on my husband.  Both our games are on this morning and I wanted to watch my game on the big tv.  When Dan came to pick me up, she was giving him crap about not letting me have the big tv.  He said, “She can’t pull the cancer card because she doesn’t have cancer.”  Another physical therapist walked by and said, “Good for you.  You’re in remission.  That’s great.”

 

Remission.  A noun.  Means: A diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery.

I hadn’t thought about it, but Yes.  I’m in remission.  I’m doing chemo to make sure that there are no micro cells left in my body.  In some ways it is a sigh of relief.  However, there is always a chance that this could come back.

 

Which leads me into my next thought.  Lately, I’ve been on facebook.  More than I usually am.  I do read everyone’s updates.  I don’t always reply, but I read them.  It seems like when you have cancer something changes the people around you.  Like for example, complete strangers.  I don’t wear a wig.  I just tie a hanky on my head.  I don’t care that I have a cue ball for a head.  I’m just not motivated to get a wig.  It’s a visual clue to people I have cancer.  People magically turn into nice people.  Maybe they are nice to begin with.  People open the door for you.  They smile at you.  They are just nicer than if I was an everyday person they run into.

People also assume that when you have cancer that your problem is bigger than everyone else’s problems.

Which is not true.  Cancer is cancer.  Just another thorn in this family’s side to greatness.

I think about the people close to me.  One family struggled for years to have a baby.  They were blessed with this beautiful little girl.  Now they are looking at being separated by a deployment.  Guts my to think about daddy being gone from his little girl.  Another family is struggling with the emotional side effects of PTSD.  My heart breaks for a woman who loves her husband more than anything in this world…wants him to get better…would do anything to help him get better.  Another friend of mine is dealing with chronic pain.  She has been to doctors over and over, yet none of them can really tell her where or why she has this pain.  My family back home are struggling with moving and money issues.

To me, that all sounds more intense and worse off than what I’m dealing with.  I struggle with having given up my job.  Money is a bit tight…. but really, this cancer thing… is nothing.

 

I miss my friends who are far away.  I wished i was there to visit and comfort them in some way.  i wished i was a better at encouraging them.  Sometimes I get so stuck in my own rut that I forget to stop and look around me.

Remission….

 

 

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Deja deja deja vu

Ok I originally wrote this for 24 hours ago, but wasn’t feeling well, so I just saved it.

Last night we got our first snow of the season.

I don’t know why I find it exciting, but I do.  The temperature this morning is still cold.  I wished I could get out and take some pictures.  Unfortunately, my white cells have tanked, so I think rather than flirting with getting sick, I should stay indoors.  Hopefully it will not mess our weekend plans up.

 

So….. Here I am.  At the end of the first week for my second chemo session.  Is session the right word?  Wednesday I got extremely yuk feeling.  I wasn’t sick or nauseous.  Just really tired.  Oh!  I had the weirdest headache.  Have you ever had a headache that felt like it was inside your head?  I know that probably sounds dumb.  But I felt like it was in the middle if my skull. I also have been fighting mouth sores.  I have been using the Muguard.

The problem with this chemo is it is saturated in your bodily fluids.  I’ve been having temperature issues.  One minute I’m extremely hot, the next extremely cold.  When I hot flash, I start sweating.  Well that chemo is in my sweat.  I unfortunately got to sweating off and on the otehr night.  I had worn a sports bra to bed and when I took it off, I have sores under my boobs.  looks like my skin is peeling away :(.  Hence, why I also am getting mouth sores.  It is in your saliva.  I try my best to keep my mouth washed out and constantly drink water….

 

I’ve been trying to think of a way to snap Dan and I out of feeling like we are in survival mode.  There is a lot of little things that are starting to weigh both of us down.  Some days it feels like we are drowning.  Other days you can hold your head above the water long enough to just survive.  I don’t want to live like this.  In fact, this is not living.  I feel powerless to change anything.

I know I have complete control over my attitude and that influences those around me.  I have worked on my positive outlook.  Trying to get everyone to look at each day in a positive light.  Even that is a chore.  Especially when you know you are about to spend two weeks feeling like ick, then spend three more making up for feeling like ick.

In just a few months this will be over with and we can move on…… that is what i keep reminding myself.

 

In the meantime…. have you ever felt snow on a bald head?…  lol.