Heated disagreement.

An assertion, esp. one maintained in argument.

Synonyms: quarrel – strife – dispute – argument – contest

    Over the last couple of weeks there has been a source of contention in our house. I’m having trouble trying to pin point what or where it is coming from. I think it really has to deal with the changes that are happening. They are bound to happen, but at the same time, if part of us do not deal with change, well…. It makes it difficult. I think for myself I feel like I’m moving out of my old bubble shell and into a new bubble. I’ve been able to stratch beyond what used to be comfortable and do new things. Well, they are not new things. It’s the same old cooking and cleaning, but it’s something I have not been steadfast in for a year or so. I always managed to do what I could when I could. Now, it’s just a part of my daily routine.

I think what stumps many of us is change. I’ve been looking forward to getting back into life full swing. I think it’s easy for me to just move into a leading “house” role because that’s what I enjoy most. I know I’ll complain about the mass amounts of laundry….after it seems I did a mount Everest of laundry. If it’s not laundry it’s bathrooms…eww yuk! But really, I have always felt that if I couldn’t go to work have provide a few extra dollars, the next best thing was to have a clean house, clean clothes, and a yummy dinner. My way of showing the family I care about them and who wouldn’t want to spend all day in school or work and come home to that? I think sometimes change is hard because we have to let go of something. Letting go of control over something can be hard. I know Dan is struggling with this avenue. He’s been everything to everyone for a year, and now that’s changing. He’s struggling with it, yet I understand because in a way everything he took over, I had to let go of last year. What a flip of events! Every mom out there can imagine and understand what I’m saying.

The hardest part of cancer, was never the cancer its self, but dealing with the fact there were things I just couldn’t do: work, clean, cook, attend my kids’ events… Dad was always the go to guy for being picked up from school and attending concerts or sport events. Dad got up and made the lunches. Dad made sure we did our chores and helped out. Dad did the grocery shopping. Dad helped with the homework. Dad was there when they needed someone to talk to. It’s not like I was some sort of comatose inept human. They just knew that Dad was the go to. In some sort of way it was a chance for Dad to see what a deployment without him was like. There were no real breaks for him, except when we took the kids to their grandparent’s house for a bit during the summer. Even then, he still had his day time job to contend with. If it wasn’t his job, then it was a trip to Denver for a surgery or treatments. So I can see why this change is hard for him. If there is something I’ve learned about Dan, he likes to be needed by the people that love him. I couldn’t think of anyone other than my dad who would stick with being the top dog…even if they didn’t want to. Now a part of him has to let that all go and fall into my hands. Hard thing to deal with.

At the same time, I feel like this is a second chance. A chance to be better at home. I strived hard to make myself known to the working world. My heart and mind was always focused on it. Looking back I sacrificed a lot of time and energy towards my family. It’s like I’m saying….I’m here now. Not going anywhere and you guys are my priority. Sad. I know. Shameful thing to admit to. We don’t learn for these things until we see them for what they are. Now to just make things right. The other night I was trying to communicate how I felt to Dan. I think he misunderstood the entire conversation. I was trying to tell him there had got to be a way to use my organizational strengths to make things run better and smoother here at home. Meaning, If I can turn an entire store from a 4 year running fail (operations audit) into a “c” in two months I should be able to manage my time and use my talents to do some pretty cool stuff here.

I decided the next morning to start with super cleaning the upper portion of the house. Then it’s just maintaining each day. I also sat down and made up some weekly calendar sheets. If there is one thing I have completely lost sight of it’s what is going on. I used to be awesome at know what was coming. Now I wake up and I’m shocked I forgot “xyz” was going on. Drives me crazy!! I also included meal planning! This is another place I used to excel. We’ve been really cheese balling grocery shopping. Let’s face it, that stuff is not getting cheaper and my kids aren’t going to regress in growing. The fun part was getting onto pintrist and printing up some new recipes. Then I looked over coupons and made a list. I think that’s the first list in ages! I only over spent by 20.00 from what we normally spend, and I swear we made out with more food than we usually do! Source of pride there!

The only other thing I’d like to work on is a workout program. During Dan’s second deployment he got hooked onto P90x (my best friend and him are cringing). I know I’m not going to do the weights portion of it. I don’t want to look like buff super woman. I’m more after the yoga and kick boxing side. Later on I’ll add in the plyometrics. I like the workout because no matter what, I don’t have to do everything they are doing. It’s like a coach you can mute. I want to strength build, but not with weights. I can barely balance a small laundry basket. It isn’t that I’m not strong enough, it just feels awkward. When I pick up something heavy, I can actually feel the weight on my leg. Isn’t that weird? Any ways, Besides walking to Bee’s school, I want to start getting my body stronger.

Finally, I’m going to add photography back into my life. That is one source of contention in me. I wished I could return back to school. It’s not an option, so I’m going to use several sources I have at my finger tips to work on things I don’t know. Now that I can move about better and my energy level is slowly rising, I want to get back into my challenge. I might just restart my 365 challenge. I know this will help settle my inner self. It probably sounds silly, but to me everything is out of balance with each other. I feel that getting life back under control – meaning the things that I do have control over – me, it will hopefully get this source of contention to go away.

Who knows…only time will tell?



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