Can’t Go Back

Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go.”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down

I am completely and utterly distracted today. I know I have a million and one things to do today, but my mind is elsewhere. Dan said it best. To paraphrase… How do we go back to something that was never started? You can’t go back because things have changed, people have changed. So where do we go from here?

Life has no instructions!!!

“So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don’t sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we’ve satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late.
– Lee Iacocca

For a decade if not longer I have been selling myself short. I figured it out when I became a shift leader at Pamida. I can’t begin to tell you how scared I was my first night of running the store on my own. I had imagined every possible bad thing happening and coming out being a complete failure. In the end, everything went smooth with no hiccups. I remember sitting in the parking lot after closing thinking what the hell was I thinking?!? I always thought that I wouldn’t be a good leader. Leading isn’t really that hard. It gets complicated when manger and friendships are involved. In reality I was such a…. a good word is escaping my mind. I mean seriously I have had the education and skills all along, just stupid fear always held me back. I let my social situation dictate what I did. I won’t elaborate on that, but let’s just say we haven’t exactly lived at the top of the food chain all these years.

This morning my friend asked why didn’t I look for part time work? I didn’t have an exact answer but my gut cringed. Why? Because that’s all I thought I was good enough for. There. That’s the honest answer. I don’t want to sell myself short anymore. So I’ve begun to look at local jobs. Mainly assistant store manager jobs. Not just retail as in “Pamida or Walmart” retail. I talked to my friend about being an assistant manager of a housing complex and other similar jobs. I think I’m looking for another chance to get the training I need to be a store manager. Nothing big. Not like a big store like Walmart. I was actually half excited to start looking around and see job listings. I like to look at the qualifications knowing I can do all those and then some.

For years I actually dreaded finding work. I mostly looked at the bottom of the barrel. Now I know I don’t have to do that. I’m prepared to go to interviews and told no. I just know that there is something waiting out there for me. It’s going to be a little while before I can jump into working. Honestly (and this might be stupid) I hope to grow my hair out a bit. It might be midsummer or the end of summer before I start applying.

Dan’s right, we can’t just go back to the way things were. It’s time to start new and pave a new road. No more driving in the fast lane of a turnabout spinning circles. Reminds me of the first turn about Dan drove on in Washington…..he drove on the side walk part. (lol) There’s still much that needs to be done, but I think if we can manage to keep out wits about us, we’ll fair well. It’s somewhat a scary idea, but like Iacocca said, if we wait till we are satisfied it might be too late.

There’s also the pain of patience and waiting for the gun and not jump starting at the start line. Boy have I jump started many times and that never ends well.



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