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October 5th

Isn’t she beautiful?

October 5th would have been her 54th birthday.

I honestly feel like a jerk.  I din’t realize it was my mom’s birthday until we were headed to Denver.  I opened Facebook on my phone and saw a picture of my mom.

I wasn’t sure how to feel.

Can I be honest?

I’m at peace with my mom.  I struggled for four years to find that peace.  Through counseling, I dealt with a lot of emotions about my mom.

But more than that…. you’re going to think I’m crazy…. especially if you really know who I am.

Two things have happen that I can not explain.  My gut instinct is they were hallucinations…from pain medications.

But they have brought me the greatest strength and encouragement.

The first event happen the first time I ended up in the ER .  I was sicker than a dog.  My throat and belly was lined with  sores from the chemo.  They were leaking acid into my belly.  Which caused my belly to create a bunch of bile…. hence what ever came down was going back up.  The pain from dry heaving was insane.  So I got some extra pain medications.  The last they gave me was dilaudid.  I was finally not throwing up or in pain.  I fell asleep for a few moments…  I remember telling myself I could not make it through this.  There was no way I could do this.

I closed my eyes and I was somewhere else.  No where but some where.  I heard a familiar voice call my name…. but it was not just my normal Kim.  It was Kimmy.  No one calls me that…except one person.  When I looked up I saw her.  I know she was my mom.  She sounded like my mom, except she did look like the mom I remembered.

The last time I saw my mom she was barely 50 pounds.  Skin and Bones.  The last thing I remember her saying were cries for her mommy.

She was beautiful.  Beyond words or expression.  She had long red brownish colored hair.  Her face was full and her brown eyes were captivating.

I remember crying and telling her mommy I can’t do this.

She just smiled and said You are my girl and because of this you have all the strength and courage.

I heard myself say out loud I can do this and I opened my eyes.  I was sitting up.  Next thing I knew I was throwing up because I was really dizzy.

The second event…..

Happen when I was knocked out for my major surgery.  I was in this beautiful place taking pictures of humming birds.  The light was perfect!  There were so many of them.  I heard that familiar Kimmy.  When I turned around she was sitting on a huge fallen log….smiling.  I went and sat next to her.  I asked her if she was there to take me home.  She shook her head no.  We sat there for a long time.  I laid my head in her lap and I remember just feeling at peace.  Then she said my name again.  When I sat up she took my hand.  In her had was a humming bird.  She placed it in my hand.  I can still feel myself smiling.  When I went to look at her she was gone.  The humming bird took off and flew up towards the sun.

I woke up.

I’m sure they are delusions…. hallucinations my brain has conjured.  I have thought maybe it was God.  Maybe God sent me an angel? Either way…they have brought me an even greater peace.  I’m not going to die of this cancer.  This cancer is not going to spread.  I don’t know why I have cancer nor do I understand why she had to die of cancer.  I just know that I am her girl and because of the incredible woman she was, I am today just as incredible.  She taught me the real meaning of strength and courage.

I miss her, but I know some day I will get to see her again. I don’t have to be sad or miss her, just have to be patient.

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One thought on “October 5th

  1. This made me cry, Kim. I remember your mother. I remember meeting her, wanting to do for her. Don’t feel bad that you missed the date your mother was born. What is important that you have so much love for her and you draw on the strength that she had. You are an extremely strong woman. With that strength and the strength you draw from our Lord and Saviour, you will come out of this even stronger. I love you for the person you are and I believe your mother has an abundance of love for you. Hang in there, Kim. You’re an amazing young woman. love, laura

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