My life has amounted to Nos and Brick walls

I’m sitting here staring at my cell phone.  I need to make a call I just don’t want to make.  I need to let me boss know whats going on.  I need to tell her I won’t be able to continue work anymore.

 

I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.  I’m mad.  I’m sad.  I’m frustrated.  Yet, I feel guilty for how I feel.  I mean at least I haven’t been told I have xx amount of months to live.  Its just looking back over the last 15 years of my life and feeling like every turn, every cross roads and been nothing but useless and worthless.  Every change stolen and every opportunity has led to a brick wall.

 

As we headed to the cancer center this morning I couldn’t help but think about a year ago.  A year ago I was starting school at the school of my dreams.  After the first semester I thought for sure it was my calling… hell I was a first year who had their picture published on the wall!  Not too many get that prestigious honor.  I was on top of the world.  I was making new friends…got good, no excellent grades!  All that came to a crashing halt one stupid fucking night.

 

I justified it because I was able to get counseling to deal with some issues I’ve kept hidden in the deep corners of my heart.  In the mean time I got a job and three months later was training to be a store manager…  BAM!  Not more than one month later I have stupid cancer.

 

I feel like I’ve busted my ass my entire adult life to be the best person I can be. Best mom.  Best wife. Best friend. Best worker.  Yet….  No matter what I try to do, its my personal dreams and goals that get the giant smashing blow.  I mean come on!  This isn’t fair.  I went to school and have to pay my student loans off.  I finally get a salary paid job; get recognized for my hard work…. It’s gone.  In a fucking instant its gone.

 

I feel like its selfish to just want to some personal pride.  Pride in who I am as an individual.  I’m proud at how well we’ve raised our kids.  I’m a good wife…hell not many would stick with the bull shit I’ve had to put up with.  I know I”m a good friend.  But damn it I want something for me.  Just me. Something that says I’m outstanding and smart and didn’t waste life away.  I want something to put my stamp on… to say look, I did that.

 

Now my life revolves around pill bottles,  doctors appointments, and feeling like I’m a burden to my own family.  I’m sick of asking them can you do this or that for me.  I’m sick of not even being able to drive.  I’m sick of not having my own money to spend on what I want.  I’m sick of having to ask Dan to do this or that.  I can accept my limitations, but I feel useless. I feel like a waste of air space.  I mean seriously, how much more can a person take?

 

I don’t want to do this next chemo series.  I don’t want to spend the next 9 months constantly feeling helpless to everyone around me.  I’m sick of begging certain family members for help.  I’m tired.  I am just tired of all of this.  I’m tired of being told God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.  I’m tired of being told how strong I am.  I’m tired of trying to stay positive.  I am just tired.

 

Tired and frustrated.

 

I feel like I have a meaningless point of existence.

Mixed Emotions

I’m tired!  I can’t believe how much I’ve been sleeping, and I’m still tired.  I think it’s emotional more than physical.  Although I did go to PT yesterday and Amanda’s softball game.  I was excited to see how well she played.  A little peeved that she was stuck out in right center… especially when short stop could only make 2 out of 12 plays… yes I counted.  Amanda wasn’t happy either, but, that’s life.

I’m a nit anxious this morning, nervous is more like it.  I meet the new oncologist and hear what this new plan involves.  I’m sure I’ll be starting it next week.  Which sort of bums me out that I might miss Andrew’s first football game. We will have to wait and see.

Been thinking about many things, but don’t have time to post them.  Just needed to get the nerves out some where.

Doors

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
-Flora Whittenmore

Have you ever thought about the doors you pass through each day?

Where those doors are, why we go through them…What purpose does a door have?

Doors are interesting, like gardening we can use the imagery of a door for many metaphors in life.

The door to my world begins with the door above.  My favorite, most anticipated, part of the day starts at 3:30 in the afternoon.  I patiently await in anticipation for that door to open.  It’s like waiting for Christmas morning.

First I hear the air flow and the door rattle.  Signifies another door has opened and closed.  I hear muffled voices…. My heart leaps out of my chest…for I know what is to come.

The floor creeks… I know they are close.

In an instant the door flies open!

A once silent room fills with many voices.

“How was your day, mom?”

“Are you feeling better, mom?”

I tell them yes, but enough about me, tell me about your day!

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Started PT

Today I started physical therapy. Wow. Felt great to stretch the muscles and tendons out but now I’m just throbbing. Lol. A few more minutes left to ice. Ice will now become my new post pt buddy. I didn’t get to sleep until around 4:00 this morning. Mt sleep schedule is really off these days. I’m super tired. I feel like I ran a marathon. I got my apt with the new oncologist. I will meet him on Thursday. I think the best move is to go take a nap.

A Table Tour…Gold Stars…Acceptance….

I thought I’d continue my tour from earlier.

This is my redneck idea of a bedside table.  LOL..  Have to love it.  Yes, that is a coffee pot.  Every night Dan loads it up… SO I don’t have to try and hobble3 to the kitchen to make coffee.  I just reach over and hit the on button.

Lets see….  Oakley sunglasses and a hanky are essential to outings or when not so close people come over.  That’s my favorite hanky. Sometimes I will wet one down with cool water and a few drops of essential oils to help deal with the hot flashes.  I believe those are hidden under the blue things in the middle.  By the way…those blue things are the best puke bags EVER!!!  Thank you memorial hospital for letting me have as many as I could take lol.

Lots of orange little bottles….to many orange bottles.  Of course the essential mountain dew…drink of my life next to coffee.  Oh see the hidden skittle bag?  next to the advil.  I don’t know what it is but I crave skittles like you wouldn’t believe.  My favorites are the ones in the blue bag…mix up ones.  Can’t forget the deodorant and lotion.  Lotion is my new best friend.  Between the environmental elements and chemical effects, my skin has taken a huge hit.  CANDLES.  Have to have candles.  Soothing in the late hours.  I need to get with partylite to order some more.  But it’s captivating on how much smell can really alter your mood.   Water is another good thing to have on hand.

LOL…. another little element to my little room.

Today I made a gold Star.

I cut it out.  Going to give it to Dan.  Its not much but I think he deserves it.  Today he managed to get the laundry done, watch a game of football, kids ready for a week of school, and made an outstanding dinner!  He made grilled salmon, rice and a fruit salad with french bread!  So yummy!  He has been the most amazing man through all of this.  Most amazing husband!

Finally, I think I’ve started to accept my limitations physically and mentally.  I’m a tough emotional kind of person.  I’m strong, thick headed and usually play the strong card.  I don’t like it when Dan or the kids know I’m not feeling well or hurting.  Today I decided that I just have to let part of that go.  Be ok with Dan knowing when I hurt and just keep encouraging the kiddos when they know mom doesn’t feel good.  Physically…thats almost as hard.  Its hard to have to text Dan for a mt dew or to help me in and out of the shower.  But…in some way I think it helps him out.  I think it helps him feel like hes doing something to help me get better.  He never complains when I sleep 3/4 of the day away.  Thats another tricky part… feeling like you’ve done nothing because all you’ve done is slept.

This is all just apart of the healing process and I have to just keep opening myself up and letting others help me.  Let go of the things I feel are my responsibility and let others do them.  It doesn’t change who I am.  People know I’m still me, but a better me because I’m willing to open up and ask for help.

Gn All.

Finally a Fun Post….

So I started this blog because: 1. I don’t get to get out much….2. need a place to air my feelings and thoughts. Npow that I’ve caught you up on my health issues….

 

I came up with the idea waking up early one morning.  I looked around my room and realized that for the next 9 months…. this is going to be my prison.  I began feeling sorry for myself.  I can’t do the one thing that I love most….take pictures.  I’ve decided after…boo hooing that I can, and perhaps use some humor with it.  So…..  Here’s the window to my world:

 

This is the fantastic view looking on from my bed.  As you can see it is wonderfully decorated with broncos and avalanche attire, with a splash of really dark colors.  It seems we have a common idea not to wear brights.  If you look to the top of the picture you will see boxes…  I’ve laid in bed hours wondering what exactly is in those boxes.

This is a bonus feature!!  Apparently menopause is common during chemo.  I love that I don’t have to deal with girl issues…but the hot flashes… whole other story.  This little feature  aides in cooling myself down.  Personally I’m thinking about having a freezer installed.

To my left is a portion of an added desk feature.  As you can see I’m equipped with all sorts of electronics and reading materials.

Boredom is a bad feature of my new little prison.  So I’ve taken up the hobby of cross stitching, again.  Keeps the hands busy.

Don’t ask about the cracks in IPad…. these are the silly games I’m addicted to.  Two are a build up a kingdom and kill other people kind of game…. Ones a save these pets and adopt them out.  Third takes me to the outdoors and allows me to farm.  I have chickens, cows, and sheep.  I also produce baked goods, grilled items, knitted items..and such.  I sell to others in hopes I’ll someday have 20,000 to build a dock and start a fishing industry.

And finally…. NEW FRIENDS!! My dog doesn’t even stick around much, so these are my new buddies!  Giggles, is the big giraffe.  My sister bought him for me from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo.  He’s a great asset when in severe pain.  You can grab his horns and squeeze the hell out of them or bite him.  He makes for a good pillow, too.  The bear was sent to me by some friends from one of the games I play.  The small giraffe came from my first treatment.  Dan got him for me.  He was another huge asset during the vac changes.  I’d squeeze the crud out of him trying not to scream out in pain.  These are great friends to have.  They take all the abuse in the world and still keep smiling.

I’ll share more awesome images from inside my world…sooon.

Two Weeks….almost three

Its been two weeks…almost three weeks since i had my big surgery to remove the cancer.  I’m on crutches.  Monday I see a physical therapist.  I don’t look forward to it.  I had some what good use of my leg.  I can hobble around.  I’m still getting used to just putting weight on it.  I have some pictures post surgery.  Not the best as my Iphone back was shattered lol… dont ask.

 

The drain was removed before I left.

Look at the burn…. still looks awful.

Yes…I still have some humor left in me…angry bird socks…lol

So…tw weeks after… Dr Kelly was impressed on how well I didn’t try to do anything dumb.  She had the staples taken out and cleared me to start physical therapy.  That was the good news this last week.

The bad news came an hour later.  Ok I was told the pathology wasn’t good, but i figured a few more chemo treatments.  Not a big deal..right?  I’ve become a master at controlling the side effects.  PLUS! I forgot to mention i got this new stuff for the mouth sores and throat sores.  It works great!

I wasn’t prepared to hear what Dr Henshaw really had to say.  In fact, I’m still having a hard time dealing with it.  Normally with IA treatment your chances are 80% cure rate.  Pretty outstanding.  Unfortunately, my chances dropped to 60% when we changed treatment plans….ok not bad.  Some where in there I fell to bad side of the statistics.  The cancer is gone, but the chances of it coming back…. :::SIGH::: pretty good.  They lijke to see the cancer reduced – dead – by 90%.  Mine had only reached 30%.

Now what?

Now i get to start a whole new treatment plan:

This plan is for what they call nonresponders.

Six cycles of high dose ifosfamide and high dose methotrexate.

This is a three week process.  Week1&2:  HD MTX.  Ill get this at the cancer center.  Takes four hours to get.  Side Effects: less nausea and sores…but your body can be thrown into toxicity…lmao.  Are you kidding me?  You wouldn’t believe the blood drawn requirements and medication.

Week 3: 5 days hospital stay.

——————

Ok what are the odds…. 50/50.

Why? because of the burn.

Why? because i don’t know why.  no one seems to know “why.”

To top it off…. I feel like because this failed I’m being pawned off to another oncologist.  Like Dr Henshaws special plan didn’t work for me…so you go somewhere else.

Mad, sad, angry….cry a LOT.  Just want to scream….  better yet, hire a lawyer. 🙂